I was in Eastbourne’s shopping mall the other day, meandering along as I do. I jumped out of my skin when I heard a piercing beep-beep a few inches being me. I spun around to see my friend Rosey perched on the mobility scooter which, until her recent and untimely demise, had belonged to her Grandma! I asked what on earth she thought she was doing driving one of those wrenched contraptions on which the elderly and infirm normally charge around with no consideration for the people around them. She explained to me that since a recent increase in the multi-story car parking charges, shopping had become more expensive. She was also fed up with elevators that never came, and when they did were invariably filled with bag-laden morons who had no spatial awareness and worried not that they were poking her in the ribs - or worse! Now she can drive from home, straight into the mall and through to doors of her favourite shops without stopping, paying, walking or ‘elevating’. It's access all areas! Limitless! And as a bonus, when she pulls a pained expression, shop assistants go out of their way to assist her. Then when her wicker basket is filled with spoils, she just drives out again and back home without her feet even touching the ground! I really couldn’t argue with that!
Anyway, as we were leaving the arcade and saying goodbye the scooter started making a bleeping noise then stopped dead. She looked bewildered and I notice the gauge on the dashboard registered zero. I pointed to it, and Rosey said ‘But it doesn’t need petrol, its electric’. I asked her if she’d thought to plug into a socket since acquiring it, and she just gave me a blank look. And then it started to rain, I started to push, and Rosey started singing ‘Rain rain go away’ as she held aloft her umbrella with one hand whilst steering with the other. When we eventually got back to her place I showed her how to recharge it and she rewarded my efforts by inviting me up to her apartment for a drink.
There was however an ulterior motive behind her offer. She was having Facebook problems! I know that several of you are ‘friends’ of Rosey and so you may have noticed that she loaded a new title photo onto her timeline the other day...upside down! Anyway, I corrected that and helped her change her profile picture at the same time. She then started moaning about all the ‘sham’ emails she keeps getting including adverts for Viagra. I pointed to her drooping pot plants on the window ledge and joked that they might benefit from a dose. Needless to say she thought it was a serious suggestion! She then said that maybe I could do with some. I couldn’t believe my ears! I asked her why she thought that, and she reminded me that I’d told her about falling out of bed the other night, and she thought it could prevent it from happening again!
The Olympic torch is due to pass her school next Tuesday. As she pointed out, it’s not THE Olympic torch, because everyone who runs with it gets a new one which they keep or sell on Ebay. It’s not even the original flame because it’s gone out several times! Anyway she’s come up with nice idea. She’s got the kids in her class to paint five hoola-hoops in the Olympic colours and they are going to be twirling them during the five seconds it’ll take the runner to dash past! The following day it’s her school sports day and she’s due to take part in the grownups sack race. I’m surprised she’s not banned after last year when she lost control of her sack and fell headlong into the table of tea and cakes! Within minutes there was a photo going around of her with a glace cherry on the end of her nose! She thinks the Olympics would be much more fun if they ran with eggs and spoons and had a three legged race. After all, they still do the hop skip and jump. I tend to agree with her!
By the way, if you’re not yet her Facebook friend, just search Rosey Pinkerton and put in a friend request. That’s all for now!
