Rosey goes veggie - again!

My friend Rosey has decided to have another go at being vegetarian.

Someone told her that a secret cult in the village of Nether Wallop ritually slaughter and then ate kittens. She took one look at her cats Fuzzybut and Scruff staring up at her with their big blue eyes and thought ‘Yuck, they must taste awful’

Anyway I reminded her that if God had intended us to be vegetarian he would not have made cows from beef, but my remark fell on deaf ears.

I’ve just got back from her flat where she has once again dusted off her old pots of pills and supplements and lined them up on the kitchen shelf where her biscuits and sweets used to reside.
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I told her that all she needed to do was to make sure she ate plenty of eggs, whole-grain cereals, pulses, green leafy vegetables, fruit like oranges and fortified breakfast cereals. I know about these things because my daughter Penny is of the vegetarian persuasion.

But no. She says she won’t drink milk or eat eggs. So I asked her if she was actually a vegan. She thought about it for a minute and then asked me if vegans were vegetarians too! I said yes, of course and she laughed and asked if I thought she had pointed ears like Mr.Spock. Vegans I said, not Vulcans!

Meanwhile back on the shelf she has a pot of multi-vitamin pills called Osteotrace which lists amongst its ingredients horsetail, vitamin E tablets to make her look younger (why? don’t ask me!!) something called Selenium with the byline ‘good mood food’ plus various other tubs tins and assorted jars.

And right in the middle was a large tin with no label. I picked it up and shook it and she said she had to take eighteen a day – six in the morning, six in the afternoon and six in the evening. I asked what on earth they were and she said M&M’s! Chocolate she tells me is good for increasing her energy levels!
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Rosey, I know you are reading this and you’ll probably tell me off for teasing you! In a couple of weeks time I’ll take you out for a big juicy steak by way of an apology.

He's not the one for Rosey

I thought it was a silly idea. The last thing Rosey needs right now is a relationship. I suppose you could say that I’m being a bit possessive, not wanting to lose a mate from our happy band of friends, but I honestly believe that she has quite enough going on her life right now to keep her fully occupied.
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Anyway, her work colleagues arranged for her to meet a young man whom they thought would make the perfect boyfriend. Rosey asked a few of our circle of friends to go along to give her moral support.

He arrived late – not a good start, and was clearly a little taken aback to find her sitting with four assorted friends!

He introduced himself as one Simon Pargiter-Pratt. In his hand he held a bunch of wilting flowers.He was a lanky, rather awkward looking young man whom I assumed to be in his late twenties.

There he stood every bit the country squire in a pair of camel trousers, an Oxford check shirt, university tie and a fine tweed jacket. You could see your reflection in his chestnut brown brogues.However his boyish and somewhat blotchy complexion made him look a fair bit younger, and judging by the bum-fluff on his chin it appeared quite possible that he’d not yet felt the need to start shaving!

It seems he had recently qualified as a vet and joined a local practice with the unlikely name of Nine Lives.

Simon proffered his hand, and just as Rosey was about to give it a shake she recoiled and said ‘I’d rather not; I don’t know where it’s been!’

At least that broke the ice. Simon dissolved into laughter –he sort of went ‘hwa-hwa-hwa’ - and we laughed along!

Rosey quickly realised that witty banter could well be the way forward, and when Simon asked about her family she said ‘I am the youngest of three, my parents are both older than me!’

‘hwa-hwa-hwa’

‘And’ said Rosey ‘My family is mixed race – my father does the hundred metres but my mother prefers the relay!’

‘hwa-hwa- hwa’

By now we were all laughing along, and Rosey had everyone in the palm of her hand. But I know Rosey well enough to realise that she was using her amusing repartee to disguise the fact that she was not in the least bit interested in Mr Pargiter-Pratt!

I decided that perhaps I should take over the conversation and get our new friend to talk about his calling.

‘So Simon’ I said ‘What have you been vetting this afternoon?’

‘hwa-hwa-hwa-hwa, vetting, I like that’ he guffawed.

‘Actually Kev, I was looking at a problem which has occurred within a couple of Carinthian Blondviehs. The poor creatures caught coccidiosis’

‘Sounds very interesting, doesn’t it Kev?’ said Rosey looking at me with a half grin on her face. ‘Do tell us more’

‘Well’ started Simon ‘Typical signs of coccidiosis are diarrhea, rough coat, loss of appetite and weight, and general emaciation. The general weakness may cause the calf to defecate without rising, thus soiling its tail and hindquarters. In more severe cases the manure may contain blood, mucus, and stringy masses of tissue’

‘I’m sure my Grannie died of that’ said Rosey with sad look on her face.

‘Actually Rosemary’ said Simon ‘this particular condition is confined to bovine species, and unless your Grandmother was a cow.....’‘

She could be at times!’ interrupted Rosey and with that we all broke into uncontrollable laughter.

I have to say, I felt sorry for Rosey’s prospective suitor. We tried to involve him in some light conversation but it was clear he found our bar-room banter somewhat trivial.

He meant well, but he simply was not, nor would he ever be one of us. He realised that things would never go any further, and with a somewhat crestfallen look he thanked us for our company and bid us all farewell.

‘It wouldn’t have worked’ said Rosey. I mean can you imagine me being called Rosemary Pinkerton-Pargiter- Pratt? What a mouthful!’
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Resolutionary Rosey

Just after Christmas a few of us met for a drink at The Bike. For once Rosey turned up on time – our time that is, not hers!

We told her to be there at seven although we actually didn’t intend getting there until eight, and she was duly sitting there when we arrived!‘

You are late!’ she shrilled. We just gave each other a knowing smile.

She had in fact been there twenty minutes and whilst waiting she’d accepted a chardonnay or two from a couple of locals.Actually she was a little wobbly and when she came to meet us and she had forgotten she was sitting on a high stool rather than a low chair. Consequently she almost fell flat on her face!

‘Bugga’ she said‘Rosey’ said I.

‘What’ said Rosey‘

I wish you wouldn’t use such un-ladylike expletives’ said I

‘Sowwie’ said Rosey resting her chin on her finger and putting on her well practiced innocent-little-girl expression.

Anyway we talked about this and that and then suddenly, with a flourish deserving of a thespian, she produced a crumpled piece of paper from her overstuffed suitcase sized handbag.

‘These’ she proclaimed ‘are my New Year resolutions’

When the laughter calmed down we realised she was serious. She read somewhere that a good way to help yourself stick to your resolutions is to write them down, show them to your friends and get them to witness your promises with their signatures. We commented that for once she seemed really organised, and with that she pointed to resolution one – be more organised!

Unfortunately she forgot to bring a pen!

Number two was always be on time, three drink less, four be less clumsy, and five stop swearingWe borrowed a writing implement from the bar tender and each made a scribble which more or less represented our signature – Amanda drew a cross !I

It then occurred to us that she’d broken each and every one of them in the hour or so we’d been there, so how she was going to manage in the new year we couldn’t imagine!

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We went to the Bulls Head to see in the New Year. Four of us were sat around a little round table right by the log fire. Rosey was late. Fashionably late she called it when she arrived.

She drank a little more than usual, knocked over my pint and cursed quietly hoping not to be heard.'

Resolutions Rosey?' I said

‘It’s not midnight yet!’ she giggled

‘It is now’ I said as Big Ben chimed in 2009.

Everybody wanted to give Rosey a kiss, so she decided to work her way around the pub employing a logical and organised route.

It went wrong. Some got three kisses, some none! Resolution one off to a rocky start!

She barged her way from person to person completely unaware that beer and wine was sploshing everywhere in her wake.

So much for resolution four.

Number three had gone straight out of the window, but then everyone was having a little too much to drink tonight.

Resolution two was no problem, although it could be argued that she was a little late offering to buy a round of drinks!‘

So that’s four of your resolutions broken Rosey’ I laughed.
‘Just number five to go’

‘Oh ****** the revolutions’ she yelled ‘who’s round is it?’
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Rosey strikes agan

I was standing at the bar ordering a round of drinks and Rosey came to help me carry them back to the table. Next to us stood a girl with her fella’.

Anyway, Rosey being the friendly sort, looked at the girls expansive middle and asked ’When is it due?’

With that, the poor girls eyes filled with what Rosey assumed were tears of joy. Then she looked at Rosey and spluttered ‘Why do people keep asking me that? I am trying to lose weight, I really am’.

With that the tearful young lady scurried away with her boyfriend scrambling to keep up. Rosey was mortified and suggested she catch up with them and apologise, but I told her it would be best if she let it be. She would probably have dug herself in the mire even deeper!
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Come to think of it, something similar to this happened once before. She saw a somewhat rotund young lady who clearly liked to stand out from the crowd by wearing bright clothes and extreme makeup. As I remember she was wearing an orange and white check top over a pair of baggy grass-green trousers. Rosy looked at her and said ‘Don’t tell me.....you are ....Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall’.

The girl looked perplexed. ‘I beg your pardon? She asked.
‘You are going to a fancy dress party.... aren’t you?’ said Rosey.

Anyway, back at the table with our gang, conversation centred on diets, weight and the highly fashionable term Body Mass Index! Rosey, after her embarrassing mistake was in a world of her own, so I tried to bring her in by asking her what her BMI was. She looked at me as if I was stupid and said ‘It’s a Mercedes silly, you know that’.

She suddenly came alive as she saw the chance to start a discussion on her favourite topic of the moment, her proposed new car!
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Regular readers will know that Rosey currently drives a Mercedes SLK sports job in pale lilac courtesy of her father who owns a Merc dealership. Well, Daddy decided it would be a good move in the current economic climate if his darling daughter downsized to one of those little Smart cars. And she is so excited!

She said she saw one in pink and white the other day and on the back a sign said powered by fairy dust. We explained that it was just a pretty bumper sticker, nothing more. She thought for a moment then said ‘I know – I’m not stupid’. Then she said ‘the other day when you said Sally’s car ran on angels breath – that was a joke too, wasn’t it?’
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Anyway, a little later the girl and her boyfriend came over to us. She said she was sorry for snapping at Rosey and in no time at all we were all chatting as if we’d known each other for years.

And it was then that Rosey saw a rather unfortunate spot on the end of the girls nose..........
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Roseys finest hour

I think I’ve mentioned before that my friends and I enjoy nothing more than participating in pub quizzes. For the uninitiated, these battles of wit and wisdom are a popular feature of pub life. Teams huddle in groups around tables and attempt to gain the highest number of correct answers to trivia questions with the aim of winning a meagre monetary prize.

We all give ourselves names which we consider amusing. Last week we went to the Red Lion to play against a bunch of nurses going by the name Bedside Manners, a team from the local lawyer’s office called Brief Encounter and five other assorted hopefuls. We were representing our local, The Bicycle and we go by name of Chain Reaction. Get it?

Well, we got off to an inauspicious start. We were pretty useless in the music round, lost for answers in the history section and a bit adrift in general knowledge. Throughout it all, my friend Rosey sat looking thoughtful, and wearing a pair of her mother’s glasses which she thinks makes her look super intelligent and intimidates our competitors. Unfortunately she can see very little through them and ended up knocking my drink over and talking at length to vase of flowers which she mistook for one of our friends.

But then something remarkable happened. We had a round of word questions, and suddenly Rosey was in her element.

Question – what is the longest word in the English dictionary? Rosey leapt to her feet and yelled ‘antidisestablishmentarian’. Our initial amazement and delight was soon quelled when we realised she had given the correct answer to every team in the bar!

Anyway, someone called out ‘Bet you can’t tell us what it means then Rosey’ to which she replied ‘they were people who were opposed to proposals to remove the Church of England’s status as the official religion of the realm’ That wiped the smiles off their faces!

She then went on to say that the longest word in the English language has 1906 letters, but it’s a technical expression which does not qualify for inclusion in the dictionary.
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Question – spell millennium. Rosey whispered her answer. I for one said she was wrong, but it was me that was incorrect!

Question – what is at the top of the left hand column of page 168 of the Oxford English Dictionary? Rosey was on the ball again ‘one six eight’ she hissed. A trick question, and of course she was right again! And so it went on. Ten word questions and ten correct answers from Rosey.
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Then it was back to general knowledge and Roseys moment of glory was over.

Question – What is the King of Swaziland called? Rosey answered ‘Your Majesty?’ Wrong Rosey, the answer is King Mswati the third.

We didn’t win. We never do, but at least we are consistent as once again we came last! Rosey’s final word on words was to point out that the shortened form of World Wide Web somewhat ironically has three times the number of syllables!
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She shouldn't have said that!

I was standing at the bar ordering a round of drinks and Rosey came to help me carry them back to the table. Next to us stood a girl with her fella’.

Anyway, Rosey being the friendly sort, looked at the girls expansive middle and asked ’When is it due?’ With that, the poor girls eyes filled with what Rosey assumed were tears of joy. Then she looked at Rosey and spluttered ‘Why do people keep asking me that? I am trying to lose weight, I really am’.

With that the tearful young lady scurried away with her boyfriend scrambling to keep up. Rosey was mortified and suggested she catch up with them and apologise, but I told her it would be best if she let it be. She would probably have dug herself in the mire even deeper!

Come to think of it, something similar to this happened once before. She saw a somewhat rotund young lady who clearly liked to stand out from the crowd by wearing bright clothes and extreme makeup. As I remember she was wearing an orange and white check top over a pair of baggy grass-green trousers. Rosy looked at her and said ‘Don’t tell me.....you are ....Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall’. The girl looked perplexed. ‘I beg your pardon? She asked. ‘You are going to a fancy dress party.... aren’t you?’ said Rosey.

Anyway, back at the table with our gang, conversation centred on diets, weight and the highly fashionable term Body Mass Index! Rosey, after her embarrassing mistake was in a world of her own, so I tried to bring her in by asking her what her BMI was. She looked at me as if I was stupid and said ‘It’s a Mercedes silly, you know that’.

She suddenly came alive as she saw the chance to start a discussion on her favourite topic of the moment, her proposed new car!

Regular readers will know that Rosey currently drives a Mercedes SLK sports job in pale lilac courtesy of her father who owns a Merc dealership. Well, Daddy decided it would be a good move in the current economic climate if his darling daughter downsized to one of those little Smart cars. And she is so excited!

She said she saw one in pink and white the other day and on the back a sign said powered by fairy dust. We explained that it was just a pretty bumper sticker, nothing more. She thought for a moment then said ‘I know – I’m not stupid’.

Then she said ‘the other day when you said Sally’s car ran on angels breath – that was a joke too, wasn’t it?’

Anyway, a little later the girl and her boyfriend came over to us. She said she was sorry for snapping at Rosey and in no time at all we were all chatting as if we’d known each other for years. And it was then that Rosey saw a rather unfortunate spot on the end of the girls nose..........

My word!

I think I’ve mentioned before that my friends and I enjoy nothing more than participating in pub quizzes.

For the uninitiated, these battles of wit and wisdom are a popular feature of pub life. Teams huddle in groups around tables and attempt to gain the highest number of correct answers to trivia questions with the aim of winning a meagre monetary prize. We all give ourselves names which we consider amusing. Last week we went to the Red Lion to play against a bunch of nurses going by the name Bedside Manners, a team from the local lawyer’s office called Brief Encounter and five other assorted hopefuls. We were representing our local, The Bicycle and we go by name of Chain Reaction. Get it?

Well, we got off to an inauspicious start. We were pretty useless in the music round, lost for answers in the history section and a bit adrift in general knowledge. Throughout it all, my friend Rosey sat looking thoughtful, and wearing a pair of her mother’s glasses which she thinks makes her look super intelligent and intimidates our competitors. Unfortunately she can see very little through them and ended up knocking my drink over and talking at length to vase of flowers which she mistook for one of our friends.

But then something remarkable happened. We had a round of word questions, and suddenly Rosey was in her element.

Question – what is the longest word in the English dictionary? Rosey leapt to her feet and yelled ‘antidisestablishmentarian’. Our initial amazement and delight was soon quelled when we realised she had given the correct answer to every team in the bar! Anyway, someone called out ‘Bet you can’t tell us what it means then Rosey’ to which she replied ‘they were people who were opposed to proposals to remove the Church of England’s status as the official religion of the realm’ That wiped the smiles off their faces! She then went on to say that the longest word in the English language has 1906 letters, but it’s a technical expression which does not qualify for inclusion in the dictionary.
.
Question – spell millennium. Rosey whispered her answer. I for one said she was wrong, but it was me that was incorrect!

Question – what is at the top of the left hand column of page 168 of the Oxford English Dictionary? Rosey was on the ball again ‘one six eight’ she hissed. A trick question, and of course she was right again! And so it went on. Ten word questions and ten correct answers from Rosey.
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Then it was back to general knowledge and Roseys moment of glory was over.

Question – What is the King of Swaziland called? Rosey answered ‘Your Majesty?’ Wrong Rosey, the answer is King Mswati the third.

We didn’t win. We never do, but at least we are consistent as once again we came last! Rosey’s final word on words was to point out that the shortened form of World Wide Web somewhat ironically has three times the number of syllables!
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